So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Come share oat with me in your robe
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
