I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
