Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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