Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Why is there bacon in the couch?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
