I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
