I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
As shirtless as possible
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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