dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
