Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
