Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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