I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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