having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
