so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just blew my weed a kiss
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
