My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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