just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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