i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
