I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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