Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
