So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
