i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
