Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
