i just sent this text using only my big toe
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
