I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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