Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
