i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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