Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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