birth control should be required to get into college
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
