i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
