one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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