Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
