i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Less talking, more tequila
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
