I just gift wrapped bread.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is my gift to your gina
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
