I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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