Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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