Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
