The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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