No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
