guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
