Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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