If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
