I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
