Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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