Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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