Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Tornado booty call.. dedication
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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