gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
