did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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