i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
