why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
