george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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