What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
