hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
