holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
